All At Once
by flapjacks
Summary: Sandy's working on a new hospital with the Newport Group, the boys are done at Harbor & leaving for college in less than a month & Kirsten's just found out she has cancer. How the Cohens handle the news and the months that follow.. ON HIATUS!
1. The Signs

**Author's Note:** _I wrote this a while ago and totally forget to put it up but it's here now and hopefully it's not too much of a crappy intro. I know it drags on a bit but i wanted to set the scene and just get Sandy and Kirsten's thoughts set out. The timing of this story doesn't really add up but hopefully it's not too confusing.. think of it as season 3 except the kids are done at harbor and getting ready for college.. so like season 4 schoolwise. And all the doctors in this story will be named after Grey's Anatomy characters just because i love them! Finally, my paragraphing kinda sucks i know.. sorry._

_Oh can anyone think of a better title? I have no idea so i just named it after song i was listening to._

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Except my story. :)

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**Chapter 1: The Signs**

Over the past few hours Kirsten had tossed and turned numerous times in attempts to get comfortable but none were successful. She'd rolled herself closer to Sandy hoping that cuddling up with him would help her to get to sleep. Still unsuccessful, Kirsten had given up on the idea of sleeping and was now lying on her back, staring at the ceiling. A million thoughts were running through her head, probably what was keeping her awake but her thoughts were interrupted by a surge of pain through her lower abdomen. Kirsten was no stranger to these shooting pains; she'd been experiencing them a little too often lately. She'd seen a gynecologist a couple of days ago and she conducted some tests, and was now awaiting the results. In the meantime she'd managed to convince herself it's just cramps. _Extreme cramps, _she thought. _But then there was the bleeding.._ Her period wasn't due for at least another week. Maybe it was just being irregular because of the stress. _What stress? Sandy's running Newport group and NewMatch is going fine._ In her head Kirsten once again debated whether to tell Sandy that she'd seen a doctor or if she should just wait to see the results first. She didn't want to worry him about nothing. She didn't want to worry him until she knew it was actually something. But then again if she was going to be told it's something, Kirsten would want Sandy beside her to hold her hand. _No._ she thought to herself. _Sandy's busy with work. The boys are going to college in less than a month. It's probably nothing... You can handle it for now_. After yet another hour of mental debate, she had managed to fall asleep.

Kirsten awoke and stretched out her arm expecting to feel Sandy's body beside her; instead she was greeted with an empty space. Twenty minutes later she entered the kitchen showered and dressed, hair done and teeth brushed.

"Good Morning" Sandy greeted as she entered.

"Morning" she said as he kissed her on the cheek.

"Where are the boys?" Kirsten asked as she poured herself a coffee

"Asleep… the beauty of pre-college break… they're not trying to get a new hospital commissioned... no meetings with Newport Group Board members to get up early for" Sandy answered.

"Ooh fair enough."

Kirsten chuckled at the role reversal between her and Sandy. He'd assumed her leadership of the Newport Group when she went to rehab and now he was the workaholic with his cell phone permanently attached to his ear and she was taking it easy working with Julie to set up their new dating service NewMatch.

The ringing of Kirsten's cell phone froze her in her place. She was sure it was Dr. Montgomery with her test results. "Honey your phone" Sandy said as he passed it to her. He found it strange that she hadn't picked up the phone herself. Normally she's grabbed her cell and answered it by the second ring. Kirsten's heart was beating practically triple it's normal pace as she flipped open her cell and held it to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Kirsten Cohen?"

"Yes, it is."

"Hi Mrs. Cohen, this is Gabriel calling from Dr Addison Montgomery's office. The results of your tests from your appointment 3 days ago are ready... Are you available to come in?"

Kirsten left the room and once Sandy was out of earshot she answered.

"Oh. Umm would it be possible for you to tell me over the phone? I don't know if I'll be able to make it in today, I'm working" she lied.

She couldn't deal with driving all the way there and sitting in a waiting room to see what was wrong with her. Not when she could just find out now.

"Yes, I can give you your results however the doctors with a patient right now so if you have any questions you'll need to come in to discuss it."

"I understand" Kirsten said nervously. Her heart was still racing.

"Okay Mrs. Cohen. Well your results have come back clear of abnormalities and show no explanation of the symptoms you're experiencing. Dr Montgomery recommends further testing with an oncologist."

_Oncologist. _The word made her heart stop in her chest.

"Mrs. Cohen?" Gabriel's high pitched voice snapped Kirsten out of her thoughts.

"Yeah sorry... I heard you um how -"

"I've been in contact with Dr Miranda Bailey, she's an oncologist at Newport Grace and she's able to see you tomorrow at 10..." Gabriel interrupted. "… Would you like me to make an appointment for you?"

"Uh yeah that would be good. Thanks" Kirsten managed to say.

"No worries. The results were pretty straight forward but I can schedule an appointment with Dr Montgomery to discuss them if you'd like?"

"No, that won't be necessary"

"That's what I thought. Thank you for your time Mrs. Cohen" and she hung up.

Kirsten made her way back to the kitchen on shaky legs. Sandy was sitting at the table reading the paper, bagel in hand. "Who was that?" he asked without looking up. "Julie" Kirsten lied.

In her mind she was replaying the phone conversation over and over. Although she was terrified, she wasn't completely shocked. She'd recognised the signs. Watched the disease eat away at her mother years before. Still she refused to jump to conclusions straight away. She wasn't going to allow herself to assume she had cancer. _Denial is a very powerful coping mechanism. _But a doctor referring her to an oncologist? Well that made it a lot harder for Kirsten to convince herself she was overreacting. _No. It's not cancer. It's just a precaution. Just a precaution _she repeated in her head._ Those symptoms could be anything, it doesn't mean cancer. It's definitely not cancer._ Whether it was positive thinking or a state of denial she wasn't sure. _How could the tests find nothing? _For two weeks she'd had random pain and bleeding, her appetite was coming and going. So was the nausea. She'd been so exhausted yet she was having trouble sleeping._ How could there not be a simple explanation? Well there was a simple explanation: cancer. Simple yet so complicated at the same time. _Her mind was racing now; she didn't even hear Sandy when he asked what Julie wanted. _Maybe its something to do with menopause? But Dr Montgomery's a gynecologist; she would have picked up on that..._

After not getting an answer Sandy looked up from his paper and noticed Kirsten looked a little paler than usual. Then he noticed her facial expression, a mix of fear and worry while she was staring down at her cell which she held in her hands.

Fear had overcome her now; her shaking hands dropped her phone onto the counter and gripped at the bench top to balance herself. "Kirsten?" Sandy said worriedly as he left his seat and quickly walked over. He wrapped his arms around her waist trying to steady her. She remained silent as he held her. She didn't turn around to face him, she knew if she did she'd burst into tears, so instead she concentrated on normalizing her breathing and swallowing the newly formed lump in her throat. "What's wrong Kirsten?" Sandy asked softly. "Nothing... Just tired. I'm okay", she dismissed with a small fake smile.

She wriggled out of his hold, walked over to her coffee and had the last sip. Although she still hadn't faced him, Kirsten could feel him watching her.

"I've gotta go..." she said abruptly. She knew she couldn't just leave without an explanation, even if it was going to be a vague one. And a lie. ".. to see.. Julie" she clarified as she grabbed her purse and cell and headed for the door.

"You haven't eaten!" Sandy was concerned.

"We're going to lunch"

"Honey, its 9am!"

_Dammit. Stupid lie. _Kirsten mentally kicked herself. _Let's try again. _"Uh yeah... NewMatch office first. Julie's bringing bagels, I'm picking up the coffee." The idea of eating was starting to make her feel nauseas, that as well as her recent referral to an oncologist.

She opened the front door. Before she stepped out she turned around and finally looked at Sandy. She could see the concern and confusion in his eyes. She couldn't tell him about the doctor... not yet. "I'm okay" she assured as she managed to fake another smile (this one much more natural), then she kissed him goodbye. And then she left.

Sandy watched Kirsten get into her car and reverse it down the driveway. As her car disappeared he retreated back into the house. He tried to focus on getting ready for his meeting yet his mind still wondered back to Kirsten. Something was going on with her. Something had been going on with her for a while. Something she wasn't sharing with him. The boys may not have noticed it but Sandy had.

He'd heard her tossing half the night. Saw the dark bags under her eyes. She'd been quieter, not herself. More distant. She was skipping meals claiming she wasn't really hungry. _But nothing for breakfast is much better than vodka for breakfast which is what she was having a few months ago. _And then there was the incident that just occurred. _What was that about? Secret phone calls? Freezing up? Rushing off to Julie? No explanations? She couldn't even look me in the eye. Does that mean she was lying? Or hiding something? Or both?_

His thoughts of Kirsten were interrupted by the ringing of the phone. He headed back to the kitchen to answer it before it woke Seth and Ryan.

"Hello?"

"Hey Sandy" a familiar voice greeted.

"Julie! What can I do for you?"

"Would I be able to speak to Kirsten please?"

"Sorry Julie she's already left. You only spoke to her ten minutes ago… and your probably gonna see her for lunch in less than another ten!"

"Sandy it's 9am. A little early for lunch don't you think? And what are you talking about anyway?" Julie asked, a little confused by the answer Sandy had just given her.

Sandy realised he'd caught Kirsten in a lie.

"Sorry I must have got mixed up.. I don't know..."

"Okay well I've gotta go pack but could you let Kiki know I'm going to Cabo with Neil tomorrow and im not sure how long we'll be gone. A couple of weeks at least. So she's gonna have to cover for me and run NewMatch solo."

"Can't you just call her cell and tell her yourself?"

"God Sandy don't you think I already tried that... It's switched off that's why im asking you to pass on the message..."

"Oh. Okay yeah I'll tell her... Have a good trip"

"Thanks. Bye Sandy."

_Her phone was switched off? Kirsten's phone was never off. It was practically connected to her body._ Sandy didn't know what to think of Kirsten's behaviour. She'd made such a great recovery since her return from rehab; he just prayed to god that she wasn't headed to a bar to throw all that progress away. He felt terrible for thinking she was headed for a relapse. Kirsten was a strong woman…_ with a father like Caleb Nichol you'd have to be..._ she'd definitely been through a lot more than most. But she had lied to him and he didn't know what to think. And despite her constant reassurances that she was okay, Sandy knew she wasn't. She was far from it. And she was hiding something.

He glanced at the time and noticed he was now running late. Sandy gathered his things and finally left for work.

Meanwhile, Kirsten stood before her mother's grave.

A million thought racing through her mind.

A million memories coming back to her.

A million tears running down her cheeks.

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_Reviews would be good.. __and new title suggestions?_

**Next Up: The Diagnosis**


	2. The Diagnosis

**Author's Note:** _I started school again today, Year 11 (EW) and I wanted to update now before my schoolwork load gets too hectic.. hopefully it's not too bad. I don't know what i think of this chapter, I had the draft done ages ago but i've changed it around a lot and my final product hasn't really turned out how i wanted because it was kinda rushed. Sorry if it drones on a bit but I wanted Kirsten to have an encounter with Ryan. And i know it's unrealistic because biopsy results take more than a few hours but oh well.. okay enjoy!_

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Except my story. :)

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**Chapter 2: The Diagnosis **

The next morning Kirsten woke up alone in her bed with a nauseas feeling in the pit of her stomach. _Sandy must have already left for _work she thought to herself. Kirsten had managed to avoid Sandy since their kitchen conversation the previous morning although it hadn't been that hard; he came home from work late and she took the opportunity to have an early night.

The house was silent as she made her way downstairs. She was startled when she spotted Seth in the kitchen with his head in the refrigerator. _I thought everyone would be asleep.._

"Hey" she said softly "what are you doing up?"

"Hey mom... uh well I had a dream the world was being ruled by giant vegetables and when the turnip king came at me I woke up and then I couldn't get back to sleep... I'm just gonna play some playstation until Ryan gets up."

As he was answering her question Kirsten felt a rush of severe abdominal pain, it was much worse than her previous experiences. _Just keep it together until Seth leaves... You can do this. _She stared at the floor trying to hold back the tears she knew were forming.

"Alright, have fun."

"Kay well if you need me let me know, I'm off to annihilate ninjas." He said as he walked out of the kitchen.

Once Seth was out of sight she doubled over in pain. Her eyes filled with tears and she clenched her teeth together to keep from screaming. _The pain has never been this bad. _She just had to get through the hour, her appointment was at 10.

Once the pain had passed Kirsten was left feeling nauseas. She started making breakfast to distract herself and pass the time. _Pancakes! _Charlotte had taught her how when they were staying at Lake Arrowhead and Kirsten hadn't made them again in the time she'd been home. _Too bad Sandy's not here, pancakes are his favourite._

After twenty minutes Ryan entered the kitchen already dressed and in search of breakfast. Seth immediately abandoned the playstation and came to join him.

"Morning Ryan" Kirsten said cheerfully as she placed a plate of pancakes in front of him and then one in front of Seth.

"Woah mom pancakes? Jackpot!!"

"Kirsten this looks really good, thanks." Ryan said politely. He was proud of his foster mother; she'd conquered alcoholism and a fear of cooking, all in one trip to rehab.

"You're welcome" she replied.

"Ryan, you better make sure you stock up on cereal otherwise you're gonna starve at Berkeley" Seth babbled with a mouth stuffed with pancakes.

"What you talking about man?" Ryan retorted. "I can cook... YOU can't!"

"Ah that is true my friend but you see I did a little research on my new roommate at RISD, Roberto."

"Roberto?" Kirsten repeated. She leant against the counter watching the banter between her two sons and finding it quite amusing.

"Yes mother, _Roberto_!" Seth repeated the name with a false Italian accent. "You know what that means… It means he's Italian… And those Italians have a knack for food preparation… You see where I'm going with this…?"

"You're going to use the guy for his pizza skills?"

"And pasta Ryan! And pasta!" Seth exclaimed excitedly.

"Oh I see... and he's not gonna mind you're using him for food?"

"No see we're gonna be friends. Good friends and develop a bond somewhat like brothers… don't worry though, not as close as you and I… I'm not going to replace you... I'm just going to transform Roberto into the perfect companion for me while I'm at RISD!"

"OR you're gonna scare him away with all your babbling"

"I can't believe you guys are going to college already. I'm so proud of you both" Kirsten said with a huge smile.

"I'm gonna go get ready..." Seth announced. "Mom before I forget, Dad asked me to tell you that Julie Cooper's gone off to strike terror in the hearts of the people in Cabo"

"She's what?"

"She's gone to Cabo with Dr Roberts. And she doesn't know when she'll be back" Seth clarified as he left the room.

"Oh. And she couldn't give me any notice? Just left me to run the company. Great" Kirsten sighed. _I'm busy enough trying to get around to doctors, I can't run NewMatch alone right now._

Kirsten turned to Ryan who was still finishing off his pancakes.

"What are you guys doing today?"

"Imax. Shark movie… Seth's choice"

"Didn't you already see the shark one? And my Range Rover got trashed in the parking lot?" Kirsten asked curiously, a smile playing along her lips.

"Ah yeah... um... it's the sequel?" Ryan struggled. He quickly changed the subject, "what are you doing today?"

Kirsten giggled at his obvious discomfort. She'd always wondered how her car actually ended up as a wreck; unfortunately her boys hadn't been willing to share.

"Um not much. Gotta drop by NewMatch for a while" she lied._ And go see an oncologist because I might have undiagnosed cancer._

"How's everything going with NewMatch?" Ryan asked with genuine interest.

"Good actually." she said with a smile. "Although I don't know how it'll go without Julie"

"Ah you'll be fine. You ran the Newport Group, you can do NewMatch." Ryan said smiling and Kirsten let out a laugh.

"Before I leave for Berkeley I need to..." Ryan trailed off when he noticed Kirsten's hands were shaking and soon enough, the rest of her was too.

"You okay?" Ryan was immediately by her side gently rubbing her back.

Kirsten tried to answer but had trouble catching her breath.

"Yeah" she managed to whisper, giving a small nod.

Ryan had noticed Kirsten hadn't really been herself for a while. Seth hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary but he wasn't exactly observant and lived in his own little world most of the time. Ryan wanted to talk to her, see if everything was okay but he knew she was a private person, much like himself and wouldn't want to share. Instead he planned on talking to Sandy about it but he hadn't had the chance and now her shortness of breath, even though it only lasted a minute, really had him worried.

"Kirsten maybe you should s–"

"No, no I'm fine" Kirsten said with a smile. She was breathing normally now but the ache below her stomach remained.

"Sorry. It was nothing. Just really excited you're off too college!"

She smiled bravely even though it felt like her insides were being cut open.

They heard the front door open and seconds later an excited Sandy entered the kitchen and kissed her on the cheek.

"I have news!" he said with a huge grin as Seth re-entered the room.

"Dad? Home from the office already? Wow musta been a long day!"

"Hey son!" Sandy grinned another mega-watt smile that freaked Seth out.

"Okay. Um father, what's wrong with you?" he asked feigning worry.

"I have news!" Sandy repeated, still beaming.

Seth's eyes widened. "Did the turnip king come back for me?!" He began sharply turning his head to look over his shoulders and managed to do a 360 degree spin on the spot.

The four stood around the kitchen, Ryan still beside Kirsten (both ignoring Seth's outburst), and all eyes on Sandy.

"Sandy, what's your news?" Ryan asked patiently.

All the attention was focused on Sandy waiting to find out his news so Kirsten used the opportunity to move away from Ryan. He didn't notice her slide over to a position in front of the doorway. She gently held her lower abdomen hoping it would stop the pain. As she took a deep breath in she noticed the area felt slightly swollen.

"They've commissioned the new hospital!!" Sandy exclaimed.

"That's great honey!" Kirsten said with a genuine smile. _This hospital means a lot to Sandy._

"Congratulations Sandy" Ryan said. "Yeah congrats" Seth echoed.

The boys began asking questions about the hospital and Sandy answered them until he noticed the mountain of pancakes on a plate by the stove.

"Where did those come from?" His eyes widening while fixated on the sight.

"Mom cooked up a pancake storm!"

"Ooh I missed breakfast… and pancakes are my favourite! Mmm they're good honey" Sandy said as he helped himself.

"Uh Sandy, not that I'm not thrilled that you're already home but why exactly are you here?" Kirsten asked. _It's almost time for my appointment; it'll be a lot harder to get out of here with Sandy around._

"I just had to pick up some reports I forgot" he answered finishing off his pancake. "I better go get 'em before I forget again" and he left the kitchen.

Kirsten needed to leave the room before Ryan had a chance to say anything to her or noticed she was still slightly shaking.

"I better go get ready." she said, depositing the three dirty plates into the dishwasher.

"You didn't have any pancakes" Ryan noticed.

"Mom, how can you cook up this feast of maple-syrupy goodness and not allow your taste buds to enjoy it and savor the flavor?"

"I'm just... not really hungry" _and I feel like vomiting every time I see food._

"Shit! Ryan we're late! We gotta go"

"Seth. Don't say shit" Kirsten scolded sternly.

"Bye Mom" Seth said with a sweet smile before grabbing Ryan's arm and pulling him out of the kitchen.

"Bye Kirsten" Ryan managed to say as he was being dragged towards the front door. Before he closed it Kirsten saw him shoot her a look. A look that said _we'll talk later. _And there was no messing with Ryan's looks.

Kirsten sighed and headed towards her bedroom, passing Sandy in his office as she went. Trying to avoid him, she kept walking but he'd already seen her.

"Kirsten" he met her in the hallway. "I'll be home early tonight... so we can talk"

"About what?"

"About you." he stated simply.

"I'm f-"

"Don't bother saying you're fine. Or alright. Or okay. You're not. And I don't know why. Because you won't talk to me. And I'm worried about you Kirsten. Please-" He begged but she cut him off.

"Sandy really it's nothing I can't handle."

Kirsten could see the desperation in her husband's eyes. She mentally debated whether to just tell him everything now and bring him with her to the appointment. _I'd rather have him with me in the waiting room... but it's a special day for him with the hospital… I don't wanna ruin it. I can do this by myself anyway. _She decided that it didn't matter iF the appointment with Dr Bailey went well or not, she would tell him everything that evening.

"I believe you. But that doesn't mean we can't talk about it".

He looked down at his watch and then back into Kirsten's cerulean eyes.

"Honey, I gotta get back to the office but-"

"I'll see you tonight. We'll talk." Kirsten said with a nod.

Pain was shooting through her yet again and she wasn't in the mood to argue with Sandy. She also knew there was no point because even if she won she'd still have to face Ryan. By tonight she would know what's actually going on with her and she could talk to Sandy and hopefully sort herself out with Ryan as well.

"And sweetie that's great news about the hospital. I'll see you later" she said as she gently kissed him on the cheek and quickly headed for her room while trying to control the mixture of pain and nausea and hide the pained expression she knew was on her face.

As she reached her bedroom door she looked back. Sandy appeared at the opposite end of the hallway with his bag in his hand and called out "I love you."

"I love you too" she called back with a smile and a nod.

Kirsten knew Sandy would have stayed home today if he could and was grateful and relieved that the hospital was keeping him from doing that. Although a part of her wanted him with her, a part of her didn't. She didn't want to worry him. Not when everything else was going so well for him.

The nausea was mounting and as soon as she heard the front door shut she ran through her closet to the bathroom. Unable to hold it back any longer she dropped to her knees and held back her hair, leant over the toilet and heaved violently. Once she was finished she leant back against the bathtub, breathing in and out.

_Shit._

The oncologist appointment had seemed to go on for hours. After a series of blood tests, ultrasounds and CT scans, Dr Bailey was able to confirm Dr Montgomery's suspicion; Kirsten had an ovarian tumor. The doctor performed a minor laparoscopy; a quick biopsy procedure to obtain a tissue sample. Now was the waiting game. Waiting for the biopsy results to confirm whether the growth was cancerous or not. Malignant or benign. The nurse had suggested Kirsten went home and waited for a call but she couldn't bring herself to leave.

Instead, she sat in the waiting room for hours, terrified and alone, flicking through old magazines to distract herself. Currently she had a copy of 'Riviera' in her hands, her father was on the front cover… Caleb Nichol: Man of the year. _Well at least he won something… it's not like he would have ever won father of the year._ But as much as Caleb Nichol had hurt his daughter over the years, Kirsten still loved him and missed him more every day._ It's probably better he's not around for this. He wouldn't be able to handle it... that I might have the disease Mom died from. _Caleb had loved Rose more than anything, he was a different man once he lost her and that took its toll on his relationships with his daughters, Kirsten especially.

In the past Kirsten had prayed that if anything ever happened to her, Sandy and the boys would help each other through it. Not do as Caleb had done, shutting everyone else out and focusing on work for years and eventually going crazy and marrying someone like Julie Cooper. _But Julie's not so bad these days so I guess he wasn't entirely crazy, it was probably just his blood thinning medication. And Sandy's nothing like Dad was. _One of the many reasons she loved him. But Sandy and Caleb did have one thing in common; they both loved Kirsten more than words could ever explain. _Maybe I should have told Sandy what was going on.. I had the perfect opportunity.. if it was the other way around I'd want to know.. but it's not the other way around. No. Sandy doesn't need to know. There's nothing for him to know anyway. It's going to be non-cancerous. Benign. And I'll get it removed and I can go home to Sandy and laugh about this whole thing._

"Kirsten Cohen?"

Upon hearing her name being called, Kirsten instantly grabbed her bag and made her way to the counter of the nurses' station where a young redheaded nurse was waiting for her.

"Yes I'm Kirsten Cohen."

"Dr Bailey is on her way up with your results. You can meet her in her office. It's the second door on the left, right after the exam room you were in before" the nurse directed.

"Okay thanks" Kirsten said politely.

She turned to face the hallway that would lead her to Dr Bailey's office.

Taking a deep breathe in, the trembling figure of Kirsten Cohen slowly made her way towards the door.

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_So what you think? Please review.. and can someone please tell me what to change so it will allow anonymous reviews? _

_Ps. Yes, Kirsten will be sharing news of her results with all three of her men in the next chapter_

**Next Up: The Delivery**


	3. The Delivery

**Author's Note:** _These Kelly Rowan pregnancy rumours have been driving me crazy!! but I read an article in _Page Six _last week that confirmed she is pregnant but her rep wont give out any more info like how far along hmm. Aww i hope it's true, that would be so cute! Anyone know when she's getting married, they've been engaged for ages. Anyway, accepting anonymous reviews now, thanks to everyone who helped. I think i'll leave the title as it is but thanks for everyones suggestions. Enjoyy and please review!_

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Except my story. :)

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**Chapter 3: The Delivery**

As she pulled into the driveway, Kirsten noticed Sandy's car. She knew he'd already be there when she got home. Waiting for her to talk to him. Waiting for her to stop shutting him out. Waiting for her. Waiting. She parked her car beside Sandy's but didn't get out.

Kirsten had spent the entire drive with Dr Bailey's words running through her head. "_I'm sorry Mrs Cohen, pathology and biopsy results have confirmed that the tumor is malignant. You have stage 1C ovarian cancer. We'll need to operate as soon as possible to remove the mass and you'll need to undergo chemotherapy and possible radiation."_ But although they were being repeated over and over again, those words still hadn't fully sunken in. She'd filled out the necessary paperwork in a daze, scheduled a surgery for four days time, the first available time slot and headed home. Now, she sat deadly still in silence trying to mentally prepare herself for what she was about to do.

_How am I supposed to tell Sandy? And my boys? Oh my god, the boys. They're leaving for college in less than two weeks. And Sandy's going really well with work and getting the new hospital. They don't need this from me now. I've just put them through all the trauma of my alcoholism and now this. I've put them through enough. Oh my God. Ovarian cancer. What am I gonna do? _It was the disease that killed her mother while she'd watched helplessly. _But that won't happen to me_, she promised herself. Sandy, Seth, Ryan. She wasn't going to put them through what she went through. _No. No, you're going to fight this and be fine. You already left them once, you're not doing that to them again. When you got back from rehab it was supposed to be for good. _And although she knew it was beyond her control, Kirsten hated herself for what she knew she was going to put them through.

She knew if she didn't beat this it would kill her husband._ I should have told Sandy sooner. Told him when I wasn't sure what was going on and then we could have found out together instead of me dropping this bombshell on him now out of the blue. It would have been easier on him. But I didn't want to worry him when it could have been nothing. But now it's not nothing. It's definitely something. Something huge. And Sandy deserves to know._

Summoning all the courage she had, Kirsten opened the car door and made her way to the house on unsteady legs. When she reached the front door she fumbled numbly through her bag for her keys.

Once she was inside she heard Sandy call out from the kitchen, "Kirsten?"

"Yeah it's me" she replied from her position in the foyer.

"Where you been?" he asked as she made her way to the kitchen. He had his back to her searching through a drawer.

She ignored his question and asked one of her own, "Where are the boys?"

"Seth's at Summer's and Ryan's doing homework in the pool house..." he answered after kissing her hello.

"Good" she said softly.

"...and I'm thinking Thai for dinner?" Sandy said, holding up a pile of menus.

"Yeah sounds good."

"So where you been?" he asked again. "I tried calling your cell but-"

Kirsten finished his sentence, "it was off."

Sandy nodded and there was a silent pause.

"Sandy we need to talk."

Sandy knew the reason he was home early was to talk but he really wasn't sure what their conversation would be about. All he knew was that she was sneaking around and he'd caught her lying. The only explanation he could think of was that she was secretly drinking again. _Or she could be having an affair. No, don't be stupid she wouldn't. Would she? There was the Carter thing; I still don't know what happened. But then again, she still doesn't know me and Rebecca kissed. No, Kirsten didn't cheat. And she isn't having an affair. Especially not with Carter, he's on the other side of the country._ He had no idea what to expect but as they stood in the kitchen her facial expression told him something was definitely very wrong.

He spoke softly, "Kirsten what's wrong?" His questioning eyes searched hers for an answer.

She opened her mouth but then bit her lip. She didn't know what to say; her task was impossibly hard.

"Maybe we should go in the living room" she replied, turning instantly walking towards the couches.

Sandy followed her, his eyes focused intently on her but Kirsten wouldn't meet his gaze.

They were standing opposite each other in the center of the living room when she finally looked up and met his eyes.

"I want you seated for this."

Sandy's heartbeat began to speed up. He could tell one of his worst fears was about to be confirmed, he just didn't know which one. He just prayed it was something they could fix.

Kirsten sat on the couch and Sandy sat opposite her.

She could see the worry etched in his face.

He could see the fear etched in hers.

"I went to the doctors." she said gently.

Upon hearing the words doctor Sandy took her hands in his own. His eyes widened and he was waiting for her to continue. When she didn't, he did.

"Are you sick?"

Kirsten took a deep breath. Unable to find the words to break her news she looked down and nodded.

His expression of concern intensified. His grip on her hands tightened. His heart was rapid.

"Baby what is it?"

Kirsten's head was still down. She could feel the tears forming, fighting to finally be let free.

"It's…" inhaling deeply Kirsten looked up at her husband.

"It's cancer Sandy. Ovarian cancer" she said softly, barely above a whisper, her eyes filled with tears.

"Stage 1C."

"Oh my god" he breathed.

Sandy watched as his wife began to cry. He pulled her into a tight embrace, as if she was about to just slip away.

Kirsten felt relieved to finally be able to find comfort in her husband's arms. She'd been dealing with this alone for days and apart from her visit to the cemetery, she hadn't cried yet. But now the flood gates were open. Sobs wracked her body while Sandy's strong arms surrounded her. And although she was absolutely terrified, she felt safe.

"It'll be okay", he soothed, gently running a hand through her soft, blonde hair. He closed his eyes, trying to push back the tears threatening to fall. "It's gonna be okay baby." As much as he wanted to, he wasn't going to fall apart. _She needs you and you need to be strong for her._ Kirsten was still sobbing quietly into his chest. Taking her hands again he spoke gently, "we're gonna get through this" he promised. And he prayed to God it was a promise that would be kept.

"How long have you known?" he asked gently as they separated. _She's been acting strange for a while but she couldn't have known for two weeks and not told me… could she?_

"Only a couple of hours" she replied softly, her voice raspy from crying. "I haven't been feeling right for a while…"

"I've noticed."

"And it got too much with the constant pain and nausea and vomiting and shaking… and I saw a gynecologist a few days ago…"

_Pain, nausea, vomiting, shaking. They're pretty obvious symptoms, how did I miss those? Sure there was the freezing up thing in the kitchen, her hands were shaking but I thought that was just her conscience playing up. The lying and the sneaking around, I thought she'd done something and was trying to hide it. She's been sick all this time and you didn't even pick up on it apart from her exhaustion and lack of appetite. She's been in constant pain and I didn't even notice... didn't even notice she's been unwell… where the hell have I been?_

"And she called yesterday but he results didn't find anything and she thought I might have a… she… she referred me to an oncologist and… and I saw her today… and she found a tumor. And her tests said it was malignant."

He watched as she wiped away the tears that had spilled down her cheeks.

_She's seen all these doctors alone. She must have been terrified. Why didn't I talk to her earlier?_

"Oh baby you should have told me sooner. I should have been there with you. You shouldn't have had to go through that alone."

"I know I should of. I almost did" she confessed. "But you were so happy about the hospital and I just didn't want to worry you until I knew what was going on."

"Well today the hospital hit a speed bump, I don't know if we'll be going ahead after all but that doesn't matter Kirsten… you'll always come first" he promised.

She nodded meekly, her eyes welling up again.

"What do we do from here?"

"Surgery. In four days."

"Shouldn't it be sooner?"

"There weren't any available appointments."

Sandy wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb and placing a gentle kiss on her temple.

"We need to tell the boys."

"We don't have to... they leave soon and they're so excited about college. I can't ruin it Sandy."

"Kirsten, we need to tell them. They would want to know"

"I know" she nodded sadly, eyes focused down on the rings on her left hand.

Sandy gently placed a finger under her chin and raised her head so they're eyes met.

"You're going to be okay Kirsten. We're going to beat this."

Unable to speak and words and unsure if she believed him, Kirsten gave a half nod.

Sandy noticed she was shaking and he pulled her into another hug as she began to cry again. He could feel a wet patch forming on the chest of his shirt.

"I'm sorry Sandy" she choked, gripping his arm tightly.

"Baby this is so not your fault." He rubbed her back and stroked her hair and a single tear slide down his cheek.

Sandy was making coffee while Kirsten went out to the pool house. She knocked gently and after hearing Ryan call out, she opened the door.

"Hey Ryan" she said with a smile.

Ryan looked up from the physics homework he was doing.

"Kirsten. Hey. What can I do for you?"

"Did Seth tell you what time he'd be home?"

"Nah he didn't, but he's just over at Summer's… is everything okay?" He asked, noticing how red and puffy Kirsten's eyes were.

"Yeah" she reassured with a fake smile. "Sandy and I just need to talk to you both... but it'd be better if you were together so well it can wait."

"Ohh okay..." Ryan said uncertainly "… well he shouldn't be long, there's a new episode of The Valley in twenty minutes that Summer's been dying to watch and she's banned Seth from watching it with her coz he talks through all the best Jake and April scenes"

Kirsten let out a laugh but couldn't help but think how her news was going to affect Ryan. _He was already abandoned by his real mother and I've already left him once. Put him through the same pain that Dawn put him through. He told me how he missed me that summer. He hugged me so tightly when I got back and now he's finished school and he's the first Atwood to be accepted to college. He's finally happy now. What's this gonna do to him? What if I don't make it? No, don't think that. Don't think that._

"Alright well Sandy's ordering Thai, what do you want?"

"Umm some pad thai would be good, thanks" Ryan said politely.

"No problem. I'll let you get back to work then" Kirsten said and left the pool house as quickly as she could. It had taken all her strength to keep herself composed during their conversation; all she wanted to do was burst into tears.

Once she'd left Ryan grabbed the phone and dialed Seth's number.

"Hello?"

"Hey Seth, it's Ryan. Where are ya man?"

"Aw starting to miss me ay brother? Um like two minutes away, why?"

"Just wondering… Your parents are acting kinda weird"

"Well that's nothing new. Are they making out in the kitchen again? Coz you should be used to that by now. And they're your parents too you know"

Ryan's gaze drifted towards the entrance doors of the dining room. He could see Kirsten in Sandy's arms and although he couldn't see her face, he was positive she was crying. He could see Sandy's face though. His face held an expression of sorrow. A look unlike any that Ryan had seen on Sandy's face before. _Even when Caleb died he didn't look like that. Even when The Nana told him she had cancer. Or when we sent Kirsten to rehab… I don't think I've ever seen him look like that. What's going on?_

"Yeah I know. But no, they're definitely not making out."

"Well I'm in the driveway man... I'll see you soon"

Seth said bye to Summer and thanked her for the ride. He hadn't explained what Ryan's call was about but Summer hadn't even asked. She was too preoccupied with rushing to deposit Seth and getting back home before The Valley started.

Ryan had made his way into the house and was seated on the couch, absentmindedly flicking through the channels. Sandy and Kirsten were nowhere in sight so he assumed they'd retreated to their room. Seth entered the house and headed towards Ryan, a questioning expression upon his face.

The doorbell rang and Seth turned back around to answer it when Sandy appeared in his bedroom doorway at the top of the stairs. "I'll get it, it's just the food" he called out as he made his way to the front door.

After paying, Sandy brought the Thai into the kitchen where Ryan and Seth were already getting out plates.

"Hey boys"

"Hey"

"Hey Dad"

"Where's Kirsten?

"She'll be down in a minute... but we all need to talk"

Ryan and Seth noticed Sandy's tone was serious and exchanged nervous glances.

Sandy and Kirsten had agreed on telling the boys before dinner. Kirsten would have preferred to wait a few days or at least until after dinner but she knew it wasn't an option. She knew she wouldn't be able to hold it together around them and pretend nothing was wrong. They'd probably already noticed she'd been unwell anyway and her earlier conversation with Ryan meant he would definitely know something was going on. She'd spotted him on the phone after their chat, she presumed to Seth since he showed up five minutes later. _There's no getting out of this._

Now, Kirsten was leaning on the other side of the wall beside the doorway out of sight as she waited for another searing pain to subside. She didn't want to alarm the boys but the pains were becoming stronger and more frequent. She didn't know mow much longer she could hide from them. She was already practically living off painkillers, even though they were hardly reducing her discomfort.

"Is everything okay?" She heard Seth ask nervously. _Guess this is your cue._

"Not really" Kirsten interjected, entering the kitchen.

As both boys turned their attention towards Kirsten they both immediately noticed how exhausted she looked. Her face was paler than usual and it was obvious she had been crying. _What's going on with my mom?_

"Why don't we sit down" Sandy said, gesturing towards the kitchen table. Kirsten nodded and headed for the table. Both boys left their food preparation and took a seat beside each other. Sandy sat opposite them and Kirsten took the seat at the head of the table, adjacent to both Sandy and the boys. Even though Sandy had offered to do it, Kirsten decided that she should be the one to tell them. _If you can tell Sandy then you can tell the boys._ But as her sons sat before her, Kirsten realised that even though she'd managed to tell Sandy, telling Seth and Ryan might actually be harder.

Seth and Ryan looked expectantly between their parents. Kirsten was wracking her brain for the right words while Sandy was mentally preparing himself to jump in if she couldn't go through with telling them herself. Maybe it would be better for him to tell them, he was still relatively calm. But then again when Kirsten told him, he could barely find any words. And he still hadn't had enough time alone to think, the enormity of what she had told him hadn't entirely hit him yet. But what could he say to the boys? _What would she say?_ Sandy knew how hard this must be for her. He still wished she'd told him earlier. He couldn't imagine how she must feel, first going through all that alone and now having to tell her husband and sons that she has a possibly terminal disease.

All eyes were on Kirsten who had her head down, twisting and fiddling with her rings on her left hand. Ryan recognized it as her trademark symbol of fear, nervousness and uncertainty. He was pretty worried by now. He'd known something was wrong for a while even though she'd tried her best to hide it. The passing silence was making both boys increasingly confused but they were too scared to talk first.

"Boys… your mother..." Sandy began.

"It's okay Sandy" Kirsten said softly before looking up. Her eyes, usually filled with warmth, were bloodshot and full of fear. Inside she felt like vomiting. Her heart was racing. The stitches from the biopsy were throbbing. She took a deep breathe before continuing to speak.

"Ryan… Seth… uh… I've" she began to stammer.

This really alarmed Ryan. _Kirsten doesn't stammer. Seth does but not Kirsten. She never stammers or stutters. She hardly ever even mumbles. She always speaks clearly with confidence and grace and good pronunciation. What's going on? Has she been drinking again? Relapsed? Is she going back to rehab? Has someone else died? Someone else close to her? Did she have an affair? Did Sandy? Is she leaving him? Divorce? No they wouldn't cheat on each other… would they? Maybe… Are they sending me back? Maybe think it was a mistake taking me in? Changed their minds about paying for my college tuition? No they wouldn't, they love me and I haven't done anything wrong. And I'm too old now anyway. Maybe we're moving? But why would she be so upset about that? Unless th-_

Seth's impatient but desperately terrified voice snapped Ryan out of his thoughts.

"Mom, what is it?

Sandy grabbed Kirsten's hand and she looked over at him. He gave her an encouraging nod and squeezed her hand then she looked back to Seth and Ryan and once again began to speak.

"Boys I'm…" she took another deep breathe. "I've seen some doctors…"

As soon as he heard her sentence Ryan instantly regretted considering Kirsten was capable of his previous thoughts. _She's sick. She's sick and you were thinking she was drinking or cheating. Even though you noticed she hasn't been okay. Why would you assume it was guilt doing that to her rather than something else?_

"And they've done some tests..." she continued. Her voice getting softer, but still stronger than when she told Sandy.

By this point Seth was completely terrified. _Doctors? Tests? Why?_

"And the tests confirmed that I have ovarian cancer."

Ryan couldn't move. He just sat there. Mouth open in shock. Seth felt as if he had just been punched in the stomach. He was silent for a moment when he couldn't breathe but then he began to speak, "no, no, no, no! NO way! You can't have cancer! Are you sure? They stuff those tests up sometimes. We should redo them-"

"Seth" Kirsten said softly. But he ignored her.

"It could be a mistake. We should-"

"Seth." Sandy repeated louder but calmly. "It's not a mistake."

"But she hasn't even been sick, there has to b-" Seth tried to reason but Ryan interrupted.

"Yes. She has. For a while." His eyes focused on Kirsten's bloodshot ones and she nodded, tears streaming down her stained cheeks. Sandy put an arm around her.

"I knew something was wrong but… but I didn't think it would be this… wrong." Ryan was still trying to make sense of it all in his head.

Seth was on the verge of tears, still shaking his head. _She's been sick for a while? Ryan noticed why didn't I? Ovarian cancer. Grandma died from ovarian cancer._

Sandy wasn't surprised by his sons' reactions; Ryan had hardly said anything and Seth had said too much. But he was a little surprised when Ryan told them he'd known something was wrong for a while. _Sure I picked up on her acting strange but I didn't notice she was actually unwell. _He heard an alarmed-sounding Kirsten call his name and he felt her tightly grip his arm. He instantly turned his head towards his wife and saw her with closed eyes and one hand clutching her stomach. "Kirsten what is it?" She opened her eyes and met his. Both sets were full of panic. Kirsten opened her mouth to speak but quickly closed it again before leaving the table and running towards the bathroom with a hand over her mouth. Sandy immediately followed closed behind her but little did he know she was doing it for the third time that day.

Still in shock Seth and Ryan were still seated at the table. They watched as Kirsten ran from the table but they didn't move. They couldn't. They couldn't comprehend what was happening. That was until they heard the unmistakable sound of Kirsten retching in the downstairs bathroom. They looked at each other with matching terrified expressions and simultaneously headed towards the bathroom, but Sandy stopped them before they reached the door.

"Is she okay?" Ryan asked anxiously, clearly panicked.

"Yeah she'll be okay. You guys okay?"

Seth shook his head and began edging backwards towards the stairs.

"No. No. No! This isn't happening. This isn't fucking happening!"

He headed for the stairs and a few seconds later they heard his bedroom door slam shut.

"Should I go talk to him?" Ryan asked.

"Nah leave him, he just needs time."

"Is there anything I can do?" Ryan asked, looking back towards the bathroom door.

"Nah kid it's alright, I'll look after h-"

"Sandy!" Kirsten cried out again and Sandy instantly re-entered the bathroom.

Ryan could hear her vomiting again and crying while Sandy tried to comfort her.

He turned and headed for the pool house, his mind racing with thoughts.

* * *

_So what you think? Too long? Dragging on too much? Or good how it is? The part when she told the boys wasn't really how i wanted it to go but i got sick of editing it haha. The part where Kirsten tells Sandy was based on when she told him she was pregnant in 'The Groundhog Day' in season four. I know I didn't really go into what Sandy was thinking or really much about how Seth and Ryan were feeling but don't worry that'll all be in chapter four. Promise ) Please reviewwwww!!_

**Next Up: The Reflections**


	4. The Reflections

**Author's Note:** _This chapter was meant to be more personal reflections and the thought in all their heads but it's ended up as mostly conversations i spose. Lots and lots of conversations. And a little anger and violence. And ohh so angsty! Sorry it took a while, school's been distracting but it's a little longer to make up for it. Enjoy and please review!!_

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Except my story. :)

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**Chapter 4: The Reflections**

Seth heard the faint knock at his bedroom door but chose to ignore it. _It's probably dad with an inspiring, rehearsed, family-oriented, Sandy Cohen speech. _Seth was in no mood for an uplifting speech from his father so he continued to lie on his bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of what he'd just been told. When he heard the person open the door and enter his room, he didn't even move to see if it was actually Sandy. But once the figure sat down beside him on the bed, he could tell who it was without looking up. _Dad's definitely a lot heavier than that._

Kirsten had no idea what to say to her son. He was so still she wasn't even sure if he'd actually noticed her come in.

"Seth?" she asked gently.

Seth remained still. _He can't even look at me._

"Seth please…" she begged.

Kirsten watched as he slowly sat up. She took in his newly paled-skin, his eyes rimmed with tears waiting to fall.

Seth suddenly remembered what had happened at the table and he turned to face his mother.

"Are you… are you okay?"

The evident fear in her son's shaking voice sent a pang of guilt rushing through Kirsten.

"I'm fine… been feeling a little nauseas lately and I just needed to … to get it out. I'm sorry for scaring you. And I'm sorry about the… the other thing too." She couldn't bring herself to say the word again. _Cancer._

"But Seth it's not so bad. I'll be okay-"

"How do you know? You have the disease that Grandma Rose died from." Seth interrupted, looking away from her eyes.

"I know that" she said calmly. _Of course I know how my mother died. _"But Seth listen to me." She used her hand to gently turn his head back to face her so their eyes were meeting.

"I'm going to get past this" she said firmly. "But I need you. You. And Ryan. And your father."

As the tears began to fall from her son's eyes she realised how much he looked like a child again. Like her baby who would fall and graze his knees and come to her because she was the only one who could fix him. _He may have grown up, but I'm still his mother._

She put an arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer to her, but he pulled back away and looked up at her through desperate eyes.

"You just got back you can't leave again!" he choked as his tears increased.

"I'm not going anywhere" she assured.

"Mom you have cancer!"

"Well… I'll be in the hospital for a few days for the surgery but then I'll be coming right back here. I'll have to go in for chemo but I'll always come back Seth."

When you were at Suriak… we were… we were lost. We need you mom." Seth managed to say, tears still streaming down his cheeks.

"Well then it's a good thing I'm not going anywhere isn't it?"

"I love you mom… so so much… I don't… I don't tell you often enough."

"I love you too sweetie… shh its okay", she soothed.

Kirsten pulled her son into a hug once more and this time he let her. He cried softly as he held on to her. She gently ran her hand through his dark curls like she used to do when he was younger before he started complaining that she was messing up his 'jewfro'. Kirsten waited until Seth stopped crying before she spoke again.

"You alright?"

"Yeah…. sorry for… how I acted… I'm just … scared."

Kirsten realised that Seth, who usually has no problem with talking, was struggling to put his sentences together and that terrified her. She wanted him to know it was going to be alright but she couldn't find anymore words.

"I know… I know its okay to be scared… but it's going to be alright… I have to go talk to Ryan… but there's dinner downstairs okay?"

Seth managed a nod and Kirsten softly kissed him on the temple before leaving the room.

----------------

Sandy looked through the poolhouse door and saw Ryan perched at the end of his bed. He knocked on the door and entered, walking over to Ryan and sitting beside him.

"Hey kid."

"How's Kirsten?" Ryan asked instantly.

"She's… she's okay. She's talking to Seth at the moment."

"How long have you known?"

"That it was cancer? She only told me tonight…" Sandy said before letting out a sigh. "…but she's known something was wrong for a while…"

Ryan lowered his head, shaking it slowly.

"Ryan…"

Ryan's head jerked up suddenly feeling a familiar rush of anger course through him.

"It's just not fair. She's been through so much already Sandy, especially this past year."

"I know kid. But she's a fighter. I mean she dealt with a lifetime of Caleb Nichol as well as surviving twenty years of the Nana. She ran Newport Group for seventeen years dealing with all those asshole stockholders and believe me kid, that's not an easy job. She grew up surrounded by these pretentious newpsies but managed end up as a human being, completely opposite to them. She conquered rehab. And cooking! Ryan she beat the drinking problem, she can beat this too."

Sandy wasn't sure if he was trying to reassure Ryan or convince himself with this list of examples of why Kirsten was strong.

"She… she just doesn't deserve this. She's been more of a mother to me this past three years than Dawn was my whole life… Kirsten's a good person… she just… just doesn't deserve this."

"Well no one deserves cancer… but it happens" Kirsten interjected with a sad smile from her position in the doorway.

Ryan looked up as soon as he heard her voice and saw that she was coming towards them. Without a word he rose from his position on the bed and pulled Kirsten into a hug, afraid to let go. One of the first hugs that he had initiated in the years he'd been living with the Cohens. He held onto her with his strong arms, enveloping her smaller frame and burying his head in the crook of her neck.

Kirsten was shocked by the sudden act of affection; she hadn't expected it from Ryan. She knew Ryan loved her, even though he hadn't exactly said it. _He kind of did at the intervention._ She just would have expected Seth to react like that, not Ryan.

Sandy took this as his cue to exit. He quietly headed towards the doorway, looking back once he reached it. He met Kirsten's eyes and she gave him a smile that he knew meant '_I'll be okay' _and he retreated back to the kitchen.

Ryan had always admired Kirsten. Even though she was beautiful and rich, she was far from being a Newport bobble head like the rest of the women in this place. She was so different to the Newpsies. She wasn't at all fake or superficial, self centered or conceited. She didn't waste her time trying to spot the chin implants. She'd built a family and a career and was one of the few working women in Newport. She was one of the few that hadn't married some rich investment banker. She'd chosen love over money. Not that she needed money, she had plenty. But she was one of the few whose life didn't revolve around money and ironically, she was the richest woman in Newport. The envy of all the women yet still so down to earth. She was always so together. Even when she was drinking she was still trying to hold the family together. She always put them first. That was one of the main reason Ryan admired her; Kirsten held her family together whereas Dawn pulled hers apart.

Kirsten still had her arms wrapped around Ryan as he clung to her like a child. She assumed he was silently crying because she could feel a wet patch slowly forming on her shirt.

"It's okay Ryan… it's alright…. it'll be okay" she soothed gently. G_od what have I done to him._

"Ryan look at me" she said softly.

He looked up at her with frantic eyes but didn't remove his arms from around her small waist. His eyes were red and his cheeks were wet, confirming Kirsten's suspicion that he had been crying on her shoulder.

"Ryan…" she said gently. "Ryan it's gonna be okay." SHe felt like she didn't have enough energy to stay standing up for much longer so she twisted a little, trying to get out of his embrace. He released her and allowed Kirsten to lead him over to the bed where she sat down and he sat beside her.

Kirsten understood that Ryan needed a moment to compose himself so they sat in silence for a few moments.

"Kirsten I…" he began. He looked away from her eyes and continued. "I need you to know that I… I need you. You're my mother and… and I love you and I need you… we all do. We all need you."

They were words Ryan had kept inside for months, years even. The closest he'd ever come to sharing them was the intervention when he said she was someone he loved. But now, as he was faced with the possibility of losing her for good, the words were pouring out.

Kirsten's heart broke as she watched what her illness was doing to Ryan. _I thought Seth's reaction would be worse but Ryan's was… is. That's probably the most I've ever heard him talk. 'You're my mother and I need you.' _Those words made her heart race. She'd waited a long time to hear him say them; she just wished it was under different circumstances.

Ryan continued, "You need to fight this… you have to because I can't… I can't lose you."

Kirsten felt terrible for putting him in this situation. Her usually strong and silent son had been reduced to tears and was stammering like Seth did when he was nervous. _All because of me._

"I'm going to Ryan. With everything I've got" she said determinedly.

He wanted to ask what if she was wrong. Or what if all she's got isn't enough to beat this. But her next words made him forget any doubt he had in her.

With a smile she said, "it's going to be alright. I'm going to be around to mother you for a very long time."

_She's smiling. She just found out she has fucking cancer and she's smiling. She's dealing with Seth, Sandy and me as well as herself and she can manage to smile. _

And at that moment Ryan realised something he knew all along. Kirsten was strong. The alcohol might have got her down once but in the end she beat it. She was the strength of the family. If she said it was going to be okay, then she would be okay. And she said it would be okay. So everything would be okay.

But although the exterior was confident, inside Kirsten wasn't sure if she was lying. She just prayed she wasn't making promises she couldn't keep. Wanted to cry but she had to be strong for Ryan. Instead she smiled, hoping to mask her fear.

Ryan hugged Kirsten once more. He let her out of the embrace and wiped away a few stray tears that had escaped. She did the same. Kirsten was surpsrised she was able to hold back from bawling, especially when she spoke to Seth and Ryan. But she'd already done her share of crying that night.

"So what happens now?"

"I'll get surgery in a few days and then we'll see where it goes from there. But for now, we have semi-cold thai waiting for us" Kirsten said, letting out another smile.

Seeing Kirsten smile made Ryan smile. He didn't feel like eating but he could see Kirsten wanted him to and there was no arguing with Kirsten Cohen. He helped her up with a hand around her waist. She put an arm around his shoulders and together they made their way to the kitchen.

----------------

Entering, they saw Sandy and Seth eating silently at the table. Ryan grabbed two plates, filled one with mooshu for Kirsten and the other with pad-thai for himself. Kirsten gave him a grateful smile as he handed her her plate and they joined the others at the table.

The four ate in dead silence. Every now and then Sandy would ask questions like what they did today or how Summer and Marissa were but after continually receiving mono-syllable answers he eventually gave up. All three men noticed Kirsten picking at her food and only eating a small portion of rice. Sandy's cell phone broke the silence, he excused himself and left the room to answer it.

The room reverted to quietness as the three continued to eat. Seth was the first to break the silence.

"I'm not going to RISD" he stated suddenly.

Kirsten looked up from her still full plate, "what?"

"I'm staying here. You're sick and I'm not leaving."

"Me too." Ryan chimed in. He had completely forgotten that he and Seth were leaving for college, but there was no way he was going to leave now that Kirsten was sick.

"No." Kirsten said firmly.

"We can't leave Kirsten!" Ryan said incredulously, finding it insane that she expected them to continue with their plans.

"Yes. Yes, you can. And you will." She insisted. "Boys this is your future!"

"I don't care. I'm not going!" Seth said stubbornly, like he used to when he was a child.

"Maybe we can defer a year?" Ryan suggested.

"No. No. NO. NO! It's all set to go. I'm not gonna slow you both down. You're not changing your plans. You've worked too hard. Both of you. And you're not going to compromise your futures, not even for me." Kirsten spoke louder and firmer now, with an slight anger that even surprised her.

"MOM YOU'RE HAVING FRICKEN SURGERY!" Seth yelled, equally angry that she wanted them to go on with life as if everything was normal.

Kirsten took a moment to breathe. She didn't want to yell at them. She knew how scared they were. She was too. Taking a deep breath, she answered calmly.

"And you'll be here for that. You don't leave for almost two weeks. I'll be home by then."

"Kirsten, we can't leave you" Ryan said gently. Seth nodded in agreement.

"Yes you can. You're both gonna go to college, get good grades, not do drugs, and you'll be back for winter break and we'll have Chrismukkah to catch up and that's how it's gonna go." She said as she rose from the table and emptied her full plate into the trash. "And we're _not_ going to argue about this okay boys. I'm exhausted, I'm going to bed." And with that she stormed out of the kitchen.

Ryan and Seth exchanged confused looks but they both knew Kirsten Cohen _always_ got her way.

Kirsten's eyes were full of tears by the time she made it to the bedroom door. Sandy emerged with his cell to his ear.

"Yeah get her to call his office. Look Matt I gotta go, I'll call you back. Bye"

Kirsten collapsed onto the bed and after hanging up, Sandy joined her.

'Kirsten?" He gently pushed her hair out of her face, securing it behind her ears.

"They're talking about not going to college. To stay here with me" she said with a sniffle.

"Well maybe that's a good idea hone-"

"No Sandy they can't!" She looked up at him, her eyes screaming with desperation. "They can't. I can't. I can't do that to them. They can't be here to watch me", she cried as tears streamed down her porcelain cheeks.

"Kirsten they just want to be there for you."

"I know that. I know and I love them for it. But I can't do it to them Sandy. Do you remember when my mom was sick? The state she was in? We both saw. Everyday. They can't go through that, it's not fair to them and I don't want them to see me when… when…" her voice cracked as she choked on her tears.

She didn't need to finish. Sandy knew exactly what she was talking about. He knew there was going to be tough times ahead. For all of them, especially Kirsten.

By now she was sobbing uncontrollably and Sandy pulled her close to him so her head rested on his chest. He gently rubbed her back and her tears eventually subsided.

"Sandy I'm so exhausted" she said softly, almost a whisper.

"I know baby. Lets get you to bed."

----------------

Seth and Ryan cleaned up the dinner remains in silence. The doorbell rang and the boys exchanged a look, both knowing it was no time for visitors. Ryan put the last plates in the dishwasher while Seth went to answer the door. Upon opening it, he was greeted by Summer, a videotape in her hand and Marissa by her side.

Barging in, she excitedly shouted, "HEY COHEN! I taped the episode so I can watch it again with you guys!"

"Summer sshh… come in the kitchen." Seth whispered.

Marissa and Summer exchanged a confused glance but followed Seth to the kitchen where they found Ryan.

"Hey Ryan" Marissa greeted as she kissed her boyfriend hello.

"Hey Atwood." Summer said.

"Hey guys… what are you doing here?"

"Summer wants to watch tonight's episode of the Valley again with us… uh is everything alright?" Marissa asked, sensing something was wrong.

"Where's Sandy and Kirsten?" Summer practically whispered.

"Um… asleep." Ryan answered.

"Why? It's like not even 8:30" Summer asked confusedly.

Ryan shot Seth a look and then suggested they all talk in the pool house.

Once the four had all settled on Ryan's bed, Marissa spoke.

"So what's going on?"

After an awkward pause, Seth answered. "It's my mom… she's… sick."

"Ooh is she alright? There's a flu going around, the step-monster's had it for a week. It's probably just tha-"

"It's not." Ryan interjected.

"Well… what is it?" Marissa asked.

"Look you guys, we don't know if we can tell you this but we don't know if we can't so you just really can't tell anyone because no one knows yet okay… especially you Marissa, you can't tell your mom okay. And you can't tell your dad either if you talk to him. They're both really good friends with my Mom and she'd wanna tell them herself." Seth rambled.

She was becoming increasingly confused but Marissa managed an uncertain "okay?"

"Cohen what is it?" Summer asked impatiently, a questioning stare plastered on her face.

Both girls felt a pang of worry as they noticed Seth and Ryan exchange a nervous glance. Sensing that Seth couldn't do it, Ryan answered the question.

"Kirsten has cancer." He stated softly.

Seth was staring at his shoes. _Cancer. His mother had cancer_. It hurt him to hear the words._ Telling Summer made it so real. Pssht 'telling'. Who am I kidding, I couldn't even tell her. Ryan did._

"Oh my god." Marissa and Summer said in unison.

Marissa put an arm around Ryan's shoulders and softly asked, "how bad is it?"

"We dunno… well we do, stage 1C ovarian cancer… but we don't know what that means yet… she's having surgery in a few days… then we'll know more."

The cancer talk was getting to Seth now. He could feel the tears prickling behind his eyelids but he refused to cry in front of his girlfriend.

Summer gently placed a hand on his back.

"Seth it'll be okay."

"You don't know that."

Summer couldn't even imagine how he must be feeling. Seth had been crushed when he found out that Kirsten needed to go to rehab. She knew how much he loved her.

They heard the door open and four pairs of eyes looked up.

"Guys I… Oh sorry, hey girls" a tired looking Sandy greeted.

"Hey Sandy."

"Hey Mr C."

"We uh… we told them… is that okay?" Ryan asked, unsure of how Sandy would react.

"Yeah yeah that's alright. But it would be good if you two just kept it to yourself for now."

"Of course… we're really sorry Sandy" Marissa said sincerely.

Summer joined in, "yeah… let us know if there's anything we can do."

"Thanks girls. Kirsten and I appreciate it."

"Is she okay?" Ryan asked for the second time that night.

"Yeah, she's just tired… it's been a rough couple of days for her… I'm gonna lie down with her for a bit… I was just coming to check up on you guys."

"Maybe we should get going." Marissa said as she stood up and grabbed her bag.

"Yeah" Summer agreed. "You guys are probably tired too."

"Night kids" Sandy said before exiting the pool house.

"Goodnight Sandy."

"Night Mr C."

"Goodnight."

After Summer and Marissa kissed their boyfriends goodbye, wished them goodnight and promised to call tomorrow they too, exited the pool house.

Ryan and Seth were left alone sitting on the bed.

"I'm gonna go to bed" Seth announced, standing up.

"Yeah same" Ryan said as he collapsed backwards onto the pillow.

"Night man"

"G'night"

As Seth reached the door he heard Ryan call his name.

"Seth?"

"Yeah?"

"What did your grandma die from?"

"Ovarian cancer." Seth answered bluntly and walked out of the pool house.

----------------

Sandy sat on the chair in his room, eyes fixed on the sleeping figure of his wife. She was lying on her side with her hands under her head on the pillow. Despite the night heat she had the sheets and comforter pulled up to her neck. She looked so peaceful. He watched as her chest rose and fell with every breath.

As he watched her sleep, the silence got the better of him. His mind was racing with more and more questions. He tried to push the ideas out of his mind so he could just focus on Kirsten and figure out what he could do to help her, but he couldn't. His brain was working in overdrive now as he fully realised the magnitude of her news.

_Ovarian Cancer. Kirsten has ovarian cancer. Cancer's a serious disease. It can't always be cured. What if she doesn't make it? I can't live without her. Caleb lost Rose to cancer. But my Ma has cancer and she's still alive. She's getting better. But lung is different to ovarian. Still, Kirsten's strong. Maybe even stronger than Sophie Cohen. But what if this is beyond strength. What if this is out of our control? Of course it's out of our control otherwise this wouldn't be happening. What if she can't beat this? What I if I lose her. What if she dies..._

The concept of losing Kirsten was too hard for Sandy too handle. His thoughts had gotten too much. He turned and looked towards the pool house and noticed the lights were on. He looked at Kirsten to make sure she was still asleep before opening the door that led to the backyard and then walking out.

Sandy entered the pool house without even knocking. Ryan put his old book down and looked at him with questioning eyes. Sandy looked around the room. He saw Ryan looking back at him but he ignored him. He continued to scan the room until he spotted what he was looking for. Without speaking to Ryan he headed over to the back corner of the room.

"Sandy?"

"I need to use it."

Sandy went straight to the punching bag that hung from the ceiling. He ignored the fact that there were gloves on the shelf beside it. Sandy knew Ryan was watching him but he didn't care. He needed to release his anger. His rage. His fear.

He began to punch the bag and before he knew it he was furiously pelting it with all his strength. He could feel the pain in his knuckles but he ignored it. He knew they'd be bruised tomorrow, probably even bloodied, but he didn't care. All he cared about was Kirsten.

His wife. His sweet and beautiful, innocent wife. His wife that had never hurt anyone. His wife that had cancer. His wife that he might lose.

Ryan had never seen Sandy like this. So angry. So raged. He knew Sandy was a strong man but he didn't realise just how much strength he had. He watched as Sandy punched and punched. Sweat had formed in beads on his face. Tears were slowly streaming down. His teeth were clenched. His breathing was fast and ragged. But he didn't stop. He kept punching and punching. Ryan knew that Kirsten was everything to Sandy. _What would he do if they lost her? What would any of us do?_

Sandy wanted to yell. He wanted to scream. He wanted to voice his pain. His wife's pain. _Why!? Why is this happening to her?! Why did they choose Kirsten?! WHY HER?!_ He screamed in his mind, clenching his teeth even tighter.

He punched for Kirsten. He punched for what was happening to her. He punched because he was terrified of losing her. He punched until he ached. He ached for Kirsten. He ached because she was in pain.

Since the day of their wedding Sandy had vowed to protect her. He'd promised to take care of her and keep her safe. To not let anyone or anything hurt her. And he failed. More than once. And what was worse is that too many times he was the cause of her pain. _Letting Seth stay in Portland. Letting Ryan leave. Not telling her about Lindsay. The Rebecca thing. Carter. The drinking. Her Dad. Sending her away._

_And now when everything's finally back on track… when we have another shot… now this._ He needed to protect her. But he couldn't protect her from this. He would have given anything to protect her from what she was about to go through… but he couldn't. He just couldn't. And that killed him.

Ryan was still watching intently and the sight was breaking his heart. Sandy Cohen… his foster father… his knight in shining armour… his saviour… his hero. A man who was always so together. So prepared. So sure. A man who had a family he would do anything for. A man who's wife was the most important thing in his life. A man who was facing his worst nightmare. A man who could lose the love of his life. A nearly broken man using his fists to finally release his pain though wild, unrestrained punches.

Sandy's hits were weakening and slowing down. His energy was draining. Eventually he stopped punching. He held onto the bag to keep him upright and lowered his head inhaling deeply. He stood there in silence for a few minutes trying to catch his breath.

Ryan hadn't moved from the bed the entire time. He wanted to speak to Sandy but he didn't know what he could possibly say. Before dinner Sandy Cohen had been in the poolhouse reassuring Ryan that Kirsten was strong and would be okay and he had Ryan pretty convinced. But the outburst he just witnessed made Ryan realise that for Sandy to lose control like that, it must be bad.

Sandy suddenly turned away from the bag and headed towards the door. He wiped the mixture of sweat and tears from his face with his wounded knuckles. As he passed Ryan he gave him a look. No words were exchanged. No words needed to be. Ryan knew Sandy had done what he needed to do. Got it all out of his system so he could be strong for Kirsten without his own emotions getting in the way. He watched as Sandy made his way back across the backyard into his bedroom.

Sandy noticed Kirsten was in a different position and not breathing as heavily. He wiped his bleeding hands on the sweat soaked t-shirt he was wearing before taking it off and throwing it in the laundry pile. He changed into his pyjamas and joined Kirsten in their bed, immediately pulling her close to him with a hand around her waist.

Unbeknownst to Sandy, Kirsten had seen the entire episode through the three window-lined walls of the pool house. She'd watched through her bedroom doors as Sandy attacked the punching bag, a look of pure fury on his face. The day had been so busy; she hadn't really had a proper chance to think. But now, she lay in the darkness, consumed by her thoughts, wondering what this was going to do to her family.

* * *

_So how was that one? Let me know... ooh and I accept anonymous reviews now. So anyway what you waiting for?! That little purple button is waiting for you to click it ;)_

**Next Up: The Surgery**


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